The pit- Summer 2015

I am not my best self right now. I know this because not even 3 months ago I felt I had reached what I would call “my best self.” That concept sounds too Joel Osteen-y to me so let me rephrase..I felt that I was functioning as one of the best versions of myself that I had met so far in my 29 years. Therefore, the contrast I feel today alerts me that I am no longer there and its time to find her again.

I’m going to speak in past tense even though I’m not fully out of it, because I’m at a point where I’ve realized I’m not my best self and quite frankly... I am over it.
Over her.
So today I begin to move away from that self. But this is a reflection.


I’ve been irritable, withholding, selfish, cowardly, sad, impatient, downcast, shortsighted, lonely, and complaining. This is not my usual mode of operations. This is not my vision or intention for myself and how I desire to live and love. Far from it.

I am coming off the heels of a heartbreak. If you have experienced any shade of heartbreak or disappointment you understand. This brings with it months of grief and waves of all sorts of emotions and adjustments. I also fell from one of my highest seasons when I was feeling like an enlightened and joyful “best” version of myself. It was a glorious high but as most do, it ended.

Somehow I landed in a pit.

In this pit my companions were sadness and confusion. The movie that was playing in this it was called "Regret" and played my past relationship over and over. I was also staring into a future that I hadn’t had the time or space to envision or even trust how I was feeling in order to make decisions. In the pit I was a flip flopper. Like a shifty political candidate, my mind was osculating between extremes. I was tempted to be blind to all the good that was attached to me.

Many people may experience time in the pit after love is lost and many other heartaches…

Infertility, marital struggles, parenting struggles, financial woes, death, disease, depression.

All things that we are vulnerable to if we are at all living and breathing humans participating in this game of life.

There are times in life of certainty and peace and then there are times of pure unrest.

I am at a crossroads. I want to stand at this fork in the road with excitement, curiosity and vivacious confidence, but the overwhelming feeling is fear. Fear of the unknown.
In my mind, I know that fear is NOT something to let at the steering wheel. Fear really shouldn’t be in the front seat at all. Let us actually throw it out on the side of the road and leave it there. BYYYYEEEEEE.

The me I want to be has a very distant relationship with fear. But lately we have been hanging out far too much.


I’m not at my best. I know I will get there again. Soon even. Perfectionism is not a thing I struggle with. I embrace grace easily and allow it to wash over me like a beach shower cleaning off the sand and salt. I am choosing to cover this version of myself in grace. Clean, fresh water as the remnants of this season wash away, exfoliating my spirit to leave it refreshed and radiant and ready for the next season of unknown. I am also choosing to adopt the perspective of hope and allow my attitude to create my reality.

Staying in the pit is not an option. I will rise. I will practice gratitude and discipline to crawl out. I am actually excited for the climb.

The pit is awful, but is there purpose and meaning from our seasons in the pit? Lets try to see the bright side of it all, shall we?

The pit produces empathy. The empathy that I have for those that I know or will meet that are watching movies and hanging with sadness in the pit is much more available to me now more than ever. Being in the pit produces deep gratitude for our peaceful and joyful seasons.

The pit has caused me to be deeply (and sometimes annoyingly) self-aware. Also its nudged me to be God aware. It is easy to close the spiritual door in your soul when you are aching or confused in the pit. I did, and I think its okay for a moment. But when you open the door to the Spirit you may hear

“ding.”

An Elevator appears.
The door opens.
You press “UP” and you ride to the top.
You ride that glass cube to the top where you can breathe fresh air again.


Rock climbing out of the pit is also an option. We can attempt it with no harness, ropes or someone waiting for us at the top. Or we can put on the harness, clip in our rope and shout with all that is left in us...


“BELAY ON?”

and hear the response from above…

“ON BELAY”

we will shout out..

“CLIMBING”

and hear the sure solid voice of love saying

“CLIMB ON”