february 2015- risk

February 2015---



I have recently experienced a break up. I won't beat around the bush. I'm heartbroken. Bleeding. Grieved. But there is hope.

Life is funny. It's unpredictable. Dangerous. Incredible.

Love is all these things too. I knew going into and throughout this relationship that it was dangerous. Loving someone as much as I grew to love this man was risky. And even today...in my heartbreak...I know I accepted the risk.

This was my first real adult committed relationship and boy did I learn a great deal. I'll share some of the lessons with you now if you would allow me.


Begin relationship with a solid foundation.

Our culture is so conditioned to expect things to be immediate. Instant. Zero to sixty in nothing flat.
But relationships often take time. And often time is needed before the official relationship begins. Before you build a house or go on a road trip you need a plan. An understanding of what the house will look like or what roads to take. The two individuals need to be on the same page before setting off to build. These are not things I thought of as much when I was younger. But now looking back as to what I could have done differently this idea seems to shine. Also winds will blow on your relationship and if it is not set on a firm foundation it will likely fall. And that can be heartbreaking. So have that talk and be real about where you are at before beginning.



Vulnerability is a must.

Sooner rather than later. I have learned that love comes from allowing yourself to be seen. Known. And truly seeking to know your partner. In the act of opening up your truest self to someone you can experience deep love. I found this to be true. I feel like this is the first time I was truly myself with anyone I have loved. Maybe because I am older now and actually know myself better these days so I was able to give that to him. The act of putting on a mask or leaving up walls from past hurt or failure does not produce healthy relationships. And who among us has never done this. I bet not one of us can cast a stone on that particular sin. We all mask up at some time or another. We all hide behind what we think we should be or feel. But coming out and saying the truth can be the best thing you ever do for yourself or your relationship. Even if it is as simple as " I want Thai tonight instead of pizza." Or it may be as big as "I think I need some time to get ready for this relationship before we jump in." Try to be the partner that says how they feel and can hear...really actually calmly hear how your partner is feeling.

Truth telling will make or break your relationship.



Be the Captain of their team.

Being the team captain of your partners team will produce a winning partnership. You are not on opposing teams. Choosing to be the head cheerleader and captain of your loves team means you are there to flip the coins and cheer them on when they are down or winning. It should be an honor and privilege to have this position.



Don't hold on too tight.


I held on too tight. I've been waiting my whole life to love someone the way I loved this man. I was so convinced it was right in the long run I couldn't see that it maybe wasn't right in the time. Life is hard and seasons can be tricky and different for each party. Sometime space is needed. I wish I could have learned to let go. Let the relationship breathe and take shape naturally instead of creating it. There is a balance between intentional and free flowing. I couldn't find it. I hope to one day. But I have learned that anything that is held too tightly will shrivel from lack of air.


Walk around in his skin.


There is a quote from one of my favorite books TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD that has been on my mind in regards to relationships... I think it could be a savior to some relationships...

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it." - Atticus Finch

The beloved Atticus gives this advice to his daughter Scout and somehow simplifies human nature for us. In partnerships there are moments when you are completely in sync but of course there are moments of complete disagreement. If we could step outside of ourselves and truly consider our partners feelings and circumstances it could revolutionize our days and lives. Sometimes we can't and don't ask for what we need because we do not know at the time. But if we can decide to be the type of partners that see our loves from within their skin we could gain such empathy and perspective. Also if both parties are doing this for each other they will both feel seen and heard and isn't that one of the most basic of human desires? I was able to practice this but absolutely failed time and again.

These are only a few of the things I learned. I could literally write a book. But one day when I look back on this blog it will stand as a reminder to me as aim to walk confidently into the risk of love.